Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. *1 Peter 5:6 NIV*
“Write to share” not “Write to impress”, I told a friend. Writing on a public journal is just about those 2, me thinks. These passing days, I realized there is another – “Do not write if you don’t feel like writing”. While feelings are mostly what fuels me to do things, and so far I have been doing good following it, I realized relying on my feelings is no good. It’s very unsustainable. To rely on the feelings of a very emotional and volatile being is crazy. It is also prideful.
But to whom should I rely then? To rely on people or anything is something I’m not very good at. Over the years, there is only one person that I have full confidence. I sometimes remember to pray that I would be able to transfer this confidence into someone that is stable and will never fail, EVER. Yet despite all the pursuits and the efforts, when the going gets tough, I would always find myself reverting back to the old habits – relying on myself instead of God.
This habit is keeping me very guilty these passing days. It just shows how little my faith in Him and how big my pride really is. My first recharge camp has stirred and shook me, it lit a fire inside but I am at a lost as to how I can keep the fire burning without relying on my strength but on His. I have been praying for a life verse. I had my list but God wanted another. And being me, I reasoned why it’s actually not my verse.
Yet after today’s Tuesday prayer, while I am writing, something tells me that what I want don’t actually matter. The only thing that matters is His. I need strength, patience and all the fruits of the spirit but how could I ever get to them when my own pride always get in the way. Pastor Jo talked about praying as if you have already received it. I started praying but I was very self-conscious and distracted. I prayed for a child but then a thought came, are you sure you really want it? Then everything started falling apart.
After much thought, deep introspective and a post (this one), I have come to a conclusion that a child shouldn’t be my prayer. My prayer should be to humble myself in His hand, to deepen my relationship with Him to be able to hear His voice despite of the loudness of everything in my life, and to not revert back to my old habit every time the going gets tough. I have been praying the wrong prayer. He made me realized what I want in Recharge camp but today, I am reminded that my want does not matter. What matters most is Him. My mountains will not move if I don’t have FAITH. And faith does not come cheap.
To have faith is to believe, to believe is to humble myself under His mighty power, to recognize that I am nothing without Him. I don’t matter. Who I was, I am and will be is nothing if I don’t submit and believe in Him with all my being.
So today, I will…
- Stop praying for an outward miracle. I will start believing instead…believing of the change that He will do in my life.
- Start writing not only to share and do it whenever I feel like doing it but to strive to write whatever that is that He wants me to write.
- Continue to pursue humility…continuing to let my inner light shine and attract the right people. And to not feel discouraged if my closest friend and family will not see how awesome God really is.
I thought of an #AmazingApril and some time in between the busyness of my daily grind I have forgotten about it. But God once again, amazes me today. 🙂 And oohhh, calendar check, today is the last Tuesday of April. Thanks God for #SavingApril. 🙂