Fitness, Spiritual, _AwesomeGod

Profoundly Disturbed by Recharge 2017

After an overwhelming life changing experience, just like the almost 2 weeks trip we had in 4 countries, the pressure to write goes first before the urge to share. I feel that talking about it would jeopardized the memory making me feel less compelled to write. And being me, not writing is a problem. You see, I’m a “Dory”. I easily forgot things. To remember, I need something to remind me thus the need to take pictures of everything and write a blog after. My blogs exist mainly for me, but it makes me happy when my story can inspire others. 🙂 It warms my heart every time I got messages from people who were inspired from my post. And lately, I make it a point to let others know if I was inspired by their post, just like what I’ve read lately.

Moving on, enough of the introduction, last Saturday the husband picked me up after the camp. There was a slight misunderstanding. He was hangry (hungry and angry) but thanks to my just recharged self, it was turned around. We then had an awesome talk at our favorite burger place in the city – Burger Joint.
Just like I said, I didn’t want to talk. It wasn’t planned. I wasn’t really thinking of sharing. He was all supportive in my pursuits but there’s just something in him that makes me uneasy. I was afraid that if share him my experience, because of how he is towards my newfound glory in God, instead of magnifying what I felt, he’ll do the opposite. I was wrong.

It started awkwardly. Every time we are away from each other, once we reunited, I will then start talking nonstop of everything. But that time, I was just silent. I asked him what he has been doing while I’m away instead.

He answered then silence. After a while he asked “How was it?”. I paused. I didn’t expect him to asked. I wasn’t planning to share either.

“Didn’t you see my Facebook post?” I answered. He said no and that he hadn’t had time to check when he wake up from the nap. I then open my phone and showed him my recently posted collage of the awesome people I met at the camp.

More of those people next posts but today I’ll focus on the 3 major things I learned from the camp which can be sum up in 3 words: Involve, share and believe.

1. INVOLVE. You get to meet a lot of awesome people. You’ll be missing the entire camp experience if you don’t take the first step. Smile, loosen up and just be the first to say “Hello!”.

I went to the camp alone, not really thinking it is a problem ’cause wherever I go, I just easily fits in. Besides, it wasn’t the people that I’m interested. I wanted to know God more but what happened was, I knew Him more by the people I got to interact with.

I am always the girl with a plan, but I really wasn’t planning to be Miss Congeniality like usual. It just happened, as if the Lord is telling me to let my light shine.

Since I started pursuing Jesus, I acquired a new peace within me. The way I interact with others wherever I go was affected. Before, I always make it a point to just create a wave of positivity, be extra animated or chatty. Now, instead of doing it right away, I observed the mood first. This change has earned me some comments on the first few days since I received Jesus. People were asking how I was. They were asking if I’m going through something since I’m not as energetic like usual. I just smiled through the comments. Next time I’ll say “Yes I’m going through something big. Jesus now lives in me.” 🙂

Back to the camp (ohhh me, easily distracted even in writing), I noticed that most of the people were meek. I have only known a few who had a ready smile and high spirits. It seems as though they are hesitant or maybe observing too. It made me uneasy. I didn’t plan to unleash the sunny-sunshine-me as I want to be just part of the crowd but then the Lord told me to just soak in and let my light show. But somehow, a part of me had regrets why I had to be what I always am. Yet a greater part was triumphant because I was able to connect to more people other than my group. 🙂 My only hope is that I was able to touch their life in a positive way and they will remember me by how I make them feel not how I seem to do all the talking because I was actually trying too hard not to talk but listen more instead. 🙂

If you are in the camp with me, would you please tell me what’s your first impression? How did our meetup make/break your camp experience? Or you can just say anything!!! Comment or send me a message in Facebook. Thank you!

2. SHAREWhatever you are feeling, you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to share. 

I was with a group of 10 very diverse individuals in different seasons of life: a couple, 2 mothers, 1 other wife aside from me, 1 teenager and 4 singles yet despite that it didn’t hinder us from connecting with each other even the fact that we have an American groupmate compelling us to speak in English. We were group 12 and we called ourselves the “Oh-weee-some” team.

I had a different seat of people as room mates. They were a mixture of various characters. We were 8. There were 2 teen girls and the rest were adults. We were mostly busy but every time we got together in the room, conversations just flow freely.

The stories I’ve learned from my group and my roommates were priceless. From unbelieving husband to ghost stories to miracles to relationships and everything under the sun. Listening to each of their testimonies help me evaluate my faith in God and be more inlove with how He is. The Lord has done a marvelous work in their lives. His name is glorified on our conversations.

I hope and pray that the bond we share in the camp will not stay in the camp but extends to our personal lives. More Godly friends is very much welcome.  On that note, thanking our camp leaders for creating our Facebook chat. Now, we have a venue to glorify and talk about God’s awesomeness. Yay!

3. BELIEVE. Get into the worship groove. Don’t be self-conscious. Make an effort to listen to the voice of God and believe that whatever you ask will be given to you.

Every sessions starts with worship but the night sessions were the best. The two nights of worship made me realized just how little my faith in God really was. I never really prayed in specifics. It wasn’t really bad since at that point I never really had anything to pray for. That’s what I thought.

But as I was getting into the mood of worship, casting all my inhibitions away and just started praying loud, humbling myself before God, begging for His presence and to expose what I really felt, it was then that I remembered my PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) struggles and how it has affected my desire to have a child. He made me realized that aside from PCOS, what really hinders me from praying hard for a child is my childhood experiences from being born to a teenage and abusive mother. I was afraid of my childhood trauma. Yes, I have forgiven Mama for everything that she did to me but the remnants of what I’ve been through has kept me paranoid. I don’t want to end up like her. I’m terrified that I’ll never be a good mother.

And as my reflection got deeper and deeper, aside from PCOS and the childhood trauma, what really kept me from wanting to have children is myself. The harsh environment and my struggles has made me love myself above everyone else. That self love has been my shield and weapon. It keeps me from tearing myself apart. I’m afraid that if I bore children, I will forgot myself totally. And if I do, will I still be the same? Can I really forgot myself? What if I can’t? What if I’ll just resent the child? And more what ifs. The fear froze me and almost made me black out. And then I remembered a groupmate’s words, perfect love casts out all fear. And yes it really does.

Aside from new friends and knowing God more, the greatest gift I received from the camp is direction. I’m mostly contented and comfortable with my life, though not a bad thing, I was very hesitant to embrace the next best thing – motherhood. This new direction will be hard, it is not a guarantee if it is God’s purpose for me too but I am giving it a chance.

Recharge 2017 was overwhelmingly awesome that it left me profoundly disturbed in a good way. And as early as now, I am excited for the next year’s camp. Praying that more of my friends will be there too. Hurray!!!

Campers going home!
Plugged In Session by the sea at sunrise!
Team Oh-Weee-Some!!!
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