Since Monday, I was struggling. The recent trek in Mt. Talinis reverted me back to my factory setting. But yesterday, I felt that God is pulling me back to Him.
It was just amazing how yesterday’s devotional pierced my heart. The realization was hard and painful. I thought God is done with me. Yet today, I am faced with another battle that left me feeling very guilty. I failed God by acting the way I have always acted in the past – selfish and self-righteous. No matter how I try to forget myself, in the face of adversity and opposition, the old me just takes over.
I hurt Migo today. Once again opening up old wounds, shoving to his face the things that I hated in him. I prayed for submission but when God showed me an opportunity to apply it, I failed miserably. And it all boils down to my too much love and belief in myself.
Love for oneself is never good but a love such as mine is crazy. I had reasons why I loved myself too much. I was afraid that no one would ever love the unlovable me. But of course, I was wrong. And I think, I have been loving and listening to myself too much already. It’s time I start loving others for real. I’ll start with my husband.
Forgetting and unloving myself, putting other’s welfare first instead of my own will be a struggle but I trust in God’s wisdom and counsel. I am positive that I have come to this conclusion not on my own but with God’s guidance.
Today I will try to put an end to how I have always been. I pray that God will strengthen my resolve to deny myself.
“The End of Me” Devotional by Kyle Idleman
I’ve known you for as long as I can remember. I once heard there’s “a friend who sticks closer than a brother,” and, yes, that’s us, though I doubt it’s what the proverb was talking about. I’ve been close to a lot of people, but you and me? We have quite an attachment.
Looking back, it’s fair to say I’ve treated you pretty well. As a matter of fact, more times than I can count, I’ve put you ahead of anything and everything else. Agreed?
As we were growing up, I tried to make sure you were always at the front of the line. I saw to it that you got the biggest cookie on the plate, the best parking spot, the comfiest chair in any room we entered.
In school, I noticed the little things you liked, and I went after them. You always loved attention, so I did everything in my power to see that you got it. You still like the spotlight, so I’ve maneuvered to keep you in its glare. Now that we have the Internet, I have more tools. I post only the pictures that show you at your very best. Anybody would think you’re living the dream. Have you seen the comments people write about you? When you have struggled or had a hard time, I’ve done my best to keep that our little secret. I’ve tried to make you happy.
Sure, it was a little easier to keep you happy when you were a cute little tyke. A simple temper tantrum got the job done. Then, as we grew older, I had to be a little more discreet. You wanted to keep winning and getting your way—all the while looking humble and unassuming. That gets tricky! Not to mention tiring.
As a matter of fact, you never seem to care about dull stuff like bills and consequences and what happens tomorrow. I’ve said more than a few harsh words on your behalf to certain people, and you never warned me about the mess. You never told me I couldn’t unsay what I’ve said.
I love you, Me. But I can’t keep living for you. You always insisted that if I’d just keep you happy, then I’d be happy—as simple as that. But you know what? It’s not as simple as that. It never has been.
Me, I’ve let you be in control and sit in the driver’s seat, but it’s clear you can’t be trusted. You keep insisting you know the way we should go, but it always seems to be a dead end. I’ve looked into some other options, and I have decided to begin a journey down a different path. It’s narrow and difficult and not many choose it, but it leads to real and abundant life. However, and there is no easy way to say this, I can’t take this path if I bring you along.
So, Me, this is the end of you.